心の傷を癒すということ

やさしいまなざしで見つめる、悲しくて、愛の溢れる手記。


阪神・淡路大震災を被災した精神科医による、手記と考察。

読んでまず感じたのは、東日本大震災との類似だ。
と、言うよりも、阪神・淡路大震災もこんなにも甚大な被害をもたらしていたんだな、という実感。
正直僕にとって阪神・淡路大震災は遠い過去のものになっていて、読んで知った内情は、とても鋭利で辛い内容が多かった。

東日本大震災を経験した僕たちにとって、この本を今回の震災抜きに読み進めることは不可能だと思う。
でも、そうした前提があっても、この本の持つ力は変わらない。
むしろ、震災というものを改めて生々しく実感している僕らに必要な本だ。

そう言い切れる理由はただひとつ、著者の人柄だ。
震災を経験し、その中で必死に働き、震災「後」を見つめる著者の姿勢は、一読。
そして著者の持つ誠実さがにじみ出ている本。

被災した人と、被災しなかった人の間には、恐ろしく深い断絶がある。
それは置かれた環境だけにとどまらない。巨大な災害は被災者の精神も容赦なく、砕く。
そんな被災者の気持ちを、直接被災していない僕らは理解することができない。
そしてそれは、被災者がもっとも良く分かっているだろう。

でも、でもだ。
そのディスコミュニケーションを放置できるほど人は強くないし、弱くない。

「同じ体験をした人でないとわからない」という彼女の気持ちは、まさにその通りである。同じ被災地にいても私は同じ体験をしていない。わかりますよ、と言ったとたんに、私の姿勢そのものが嘘になってしまう。
だが彼女は助けを拒絶しているわけではなかった。誰にも理解できるはずがないと思いながら、それにもかかわらず理解してほしいとも思っていた。「わかりっこないけど、わかってほしい」のであった。

「わかりっこないけど、わかってほしい」。こんな感情は、被災経験のない人でも感じたことのあるものじゃないだろうか。

同時に僕らは、「わからないけど、わかりたい」という姿勢を持てるはずだ。
個人的に言えば、「わからないから、わかりたい」という気持ちを持ち続けたい。

そして、もちろんこの理解したいという気持ちの重要さは変わらないのだけれど、それでもやっぱり被災者の受けた衝撃というのは計り知れない。
特に、深い悲しみを享受するだけのキャパシティのない子供は、その衝撃を真正面から消化できない。

例えば、「地震ごっこ」は典型的な地震後の子供の行動だ。
テーブルを揺らしながら「地震が来ましたよー」と言う。
「ばーん!大地震で100万人が死にましたー」と遊ぶ。

子供たち、特に幼い子供は、遊びという形で脅威的だった災害を消化していくしかない。
僕たちはこれを、「そんなことをしてはダメ」と止めるのではなく、見守ってあげて、思う存分消化させてあげる必要がある。

それと、子供たちの特徴として、なんとか地震を合理化させようとする態度がある。
地震には背景がない。悪者がいない。糾弾できる相手がいない。

でも、子供たちはその「どうしようもなさ」を十分には受け止められない。
「地震は誰が悪いの?」と聞いてきたり、「僕が宿題をしなかったのがいけないんだ」と矛先を自分に向けたりもする。

本書にも中学生の言葉が引用されているんだけど、すごく、痛い。

もし、死んでもべつにくいはないから、
しにたかったな。
そうしたら、そのかわりにお父さんもお母さんも助かったかもしれないのに……。
ごめんなさい。
(中学一年、T,Mさん)

そんなことないんだよ。
そう僕たちは本人の前で言えるんだろうか。
その言葉は本人に届くんだろうか。

でも、被災者と、非被災者の間に生まれる断絶は、ずっとそのままではない、と僕は信じているし、信じたい。

ボランティアや援助といったことにも、この本は言及している。

確かに、自分たちでできることを、行政やボランティアに頼ろうとする人もいるかもしれない。だが、それは一部の人たちや一時的なできごとではないだろうか。被災者は援助を受けることで「得をした」とは思っていない。むしろ、必要なものを援助してもらわなくてはならないことは「屈辱」なのである。しかも、援助に対しては感謝すべきであるという暗黙の要請があるために、この屈辱感は公には表現することはできない。

それに対して生田さんは、恥ずかしそうにこう語った。
「私がお世話になった人がボランティアの要請をしてきたからそれに応じただけで、自分から積極的というわけではなかったんです。だから”動機が不純”なんです。ボランティアでこんなことをしていますと言うと、偉そうに聞こえるでしょう。だから枯れ木も山のにぎわいと考えるようにしています。今ではボランティアに楽しみや充実感を持てているように思いますね。だから、リピーターをしているんでしょうね」。
あまりに控えめな生田さんの発言に、私は妙になっとくさせられた。災害直後のボランティアブームはどこか高揚した気分に彩られていたが、それとは対照的だった。生田さんにはまるで「ちょっと遊びに来ました」と言わんばかりの気楽さがあった。

この、”動機が不純”と述べられているボランティアの姿勢が、僕はすごく好きだ。
もちろんこれは、災害を経験したことのない僕の感覚で、直接被災した人で「失礼だ」と感じる人も、いるとは思う。

でも、僕は、災害におけるボランティアの役割は復興(精神面も含め)であり、それを堅い「滅私奉公」という形に落とし込むのは、とても非生産的じゃないかと思う。

東日本大震災後のツイートで、
「瓦礫撤去をした後に、『いい汗かいたなぁ』なんて思うのは間違っている」
というものがあったのだけれど、僕はこれを否定したい。

いいじゃないか、気持ちよくボランティアをして。
気軽にボランティアに参加して、何が悪い。

「無責任でいい」と言いたいわけじゃない。
実際の活動は、確実に行われるべきであるし、誠実さが求められる。と、いうか、こんなことは全ての人間関係に求められることじゃないか。
僕が嫌悪感を感じてしまうのは、あくまで”粛々とした精神”を求めることだ。

それで、何が生まれるのだろう。
そうした粛々とした態度に、被災者はどうすればいいんだ?
厳粛に受け止めて、両者がそれぞれの思いに厚いフタをして、淡々と事を成していけばいいのか?
そんなものは決して現場が望む「理想」なんかではないし、外野が求める見ていて美しい(と本人が思っているだけの)「幻想」でしかないと僕は思う。

著者が語る、リアル病、というのも興味深かった。

地震を体験し、今なお解体の進む被災地に住んでいるうちに、私は自分の価値観や感じ方が知らず知らず変化しているのに気づいた。ここではそれを仮に「リアル病」と呼ぼう。
地震による建物の破壊、身近にむきだしとなった生死のありさま……、それらはあまりにリアルな、疑いようのない事実としてある。圧倒的な地震体験や破壊された事物を前にして、人々は言葉を失った。さまざまな感情がわき起こっても、ことばでは表現できなかった。私は、ことばにすると嘘になってしまうと感じた。ことばを失わせてしまうほどに、リアルなものは情け容赦がない。そのことを私は思い知った。
私の場合、リアルな事態にとらわれる一方で、口先だけのこと、やたらに理屈っぽいことに対して拒否反応が起きる。
「そんなことばだけのことは、ひとたび地震が来れば崩れさってしまう」。
そう思えてしかたがないのである。

〜中略〜

このようにリアルなものを中心に考えることがいいのか悪いのか、私にはわからない。これも震災によって得た一つの「発見」といえるかもしれない。「リアル病」は空理空論におちいらない、実質的な考え方だからである。

そして、こう続ける。

だが、リアルすぎるのもどうかという気がしないでもない。リアルなもにはどこかうるおいに欠けることも確かだ。身も蓋もない感じがする。確かに瓦礫はリアルである。立派な家も地震が来ればただの瓦礫である。だからといって、人は瓦礫の中で生きるわけではない。
このようなことを、緑したたる仙台市で私は考えた。この町には美しさがリアルに存在していた。神戸の町が美しさを取り戻していくにつれ、私の「リアル病」も回復していくにちがいない。

著者の誠実さがにじみ出ている、好きな文章だ。自分のリアル病を受け止めて、認めて、その上で「人は瓦礫の中で生きるわけではない」と歩んで行く。
こういった態度は、素敵だ。

それだけに、心的外傷を受ける前と後、回復する前と後では、人とのつきあい方がずいぶんと違ってしまうものである。もう二度と、心的外傷を受ける前のもとの自分に戻ることはできない。心的外傷から回復するために、自分は変わらざるを得ない。社会に復帰する前に、そういう新しい自分との折り合いをつけてはじめて、社会への復帰が可能になるのである。

自分を認める、というのは、結構難しい。
でも、ちょっと勇気だして自分を認めてみると、そこからの一歩一歩は想像以上に軽いんじゃないかな。

本書最後の後書きを読んで知ったのだけれど、著者は40を前に亡くなったとのこと。

惜しい。
この人の話をもっと聞きたかった。

中井久夫氏は「存在してくれること」がボランティアの第一義であると述べた。また、雲仙普賢岳噴火災害で精神保健を実践した荒木憲一氏は、「心の傷つきを癒すのは人と人との絆である」と折に触れ語っている。裏返せば、「人と人とのつながり」の大切さは心の傷つきを体験して、はじめて実感できるものかもしれない。震災を体験する前に私がこの言葉を聞いても、きっと印象に残らなかっただろう。

僕たちは、常に誰かとつなっがている。絆がある。
でも、それが日常であるからこそ、僕たちは中々それに気づけない。
災害は、それを壊すとともに、再確認させる。
だからこそ僕たちは、瓦礫の中を歩き、悲しみや、苦しみや、言葉に出来ない思いを、ゆっくりと、でも着実に消化できるんじゃないだろうか。

世界を受け入れて、歩いて行く。
それは時に恐ろしく辛いことでもあるけれど、著者のような理解者がいることで、僕たちは途方にくれ立ち止まらずに済む。
いや、理解者じゃなくてもいい。ただ、じっと、自分のことを忘れずに見つめてくれる誰かが横にいてくれるだけで、僕たちは救われる。
空間や感覚の「共有者」がいてくれれば、僕たちは世界と自分に、切り離されずに済む。

丁寧に、寄り添ってくれる本。
章末の言葉には、著者のエッセンスがギュッとつまっています。

心的外傷から回復した人に、私は一種崇高ななにかを感じる。外傷体験によって失ったものはあまりに大きく、それを取り戻すことはできない。だが、それを乗り越えてさらに多くのものを成長させてゆく姿に接した時、私は人間に対する感動と敬意の念を新たにする。
そして、回復に向けて懸命に生きる人を、敬意をもって受け入れる社会を作ることも<心のケア>の重大な意義ではないかと私は思う。

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