車椅子で夜明けのコーヒー

爆走エンジン車椅子


強い人だ、というのが第一印象。
というか、強くならなければいけなかったのかも知れない。

自身が車椅子使用者の小山内さんが、自伝も兼ねつつ障害者の性について語った本。
豪快で、強烈な人だ。
だから、この人の言葉に強く励まされる人も入れば、その物言いに気圧される人もい
るだろう。

あなたは自分の性を、公にできますか?
その度胸、葛藤、覚悟、その他もろもろの感情、背景。
パワフルにならなきゃ、さばけないよね。

こういった本は、僕たちにたいして起爆剤のような役割をもたらしてくれる。
この人の本は書き手と読み手の勝負みたいな緊張感がある。

障害者の性、特に無理をしてまで性的な体験をしようとしている人の話になった時、「男ってほんとエロいんだねー」という展開になることがある。
話を男に限定してる、てのは一度置いておいて、僕は性への欲求は「エロい」という言葉では片付けられないと思っている。

いや、エロい、という表現は、扱いづらい「性」っていう問題を身近に、こっち側に持ってくるのに重要な言葉だと思う。こーいう俗っぽい言葉で、僕たちは手の出しづらい「性」の話題を扱うことができる。
でも、やっぱり、僕たちが持つ性への欲求を「エロい」という言葉で還元することはできないと思う。

明日かあさってか死にそうなひとりの老人がいた。看護婦さんに、
「あのおじいちゃん、危篤だというのにだれも来ないのよ、小山内さん話し相手になってあげて」
と頼まれ、そのおじいさんのそばに行った。私が一方的にテレビや映画の話や友達のことをいろいろしゃべっていた。そのうち、骨と皮になったおじいさんの手が私の胸にきて、
「ちょっとでいいから、さわらせてくれ」
といった。驚くやら呆れるやら。
(本当にこのおじいさん危篤なのかなあ)と疑問に思った。おじいさんは引き出しから万札を出し、
「これを全部あんたにあげるから、さわらせてくれ」
と子どものように泣いた。私はなんとなく、そのおじいさんが憎みきれなくなり、
「さわるだけだよ」
といい、さわらせた。その日は興奮して眠れなかった。
私のしたことがよかったのか悪かったのかがそのとき判断できなかった。あんなにたくさんのお金をいつ引き出しにいれたのか不思議だった。そして翌日、行ったときにはそのおじいさんは亡くなっていた。

死ぬ前に、もう一度だけ女性の体を触りたい。
そんな老人を目の前にした時、僕たちはそれを「じいさんになってもエロいなぁ」と思うのだろうか。
きっと、僕たちは、まざまざと性ってものを見せられて、たじろぐんじゃないか。
そのおじいさんの真剣さと、同じものが僕たちの中にも確実に流れている、ということに。

男が勃起し、女を喜ばせるということだけがセックスではない。もっともっと深いものがあるような気がする。マスターベーションも、もしかしたら看護婦がやらなければならない仕事なのかもしれない。
なんてばかなこというの、と叱られるかもしれないが、体の痛みをとること、かゆみをとること、そして性の欲望を果たすこと、それから空腹のときものを食べること、のどが渇けばお水を飲むこと、悲しいとき泣くこと、腹がたてば「「恐る」」こと。すべてオーガズムだと思う。

性欲も立派な三大欲求で、食欲、睡眠欲に並んでいる。
でも、性欲な厄介な点として、

・プライベートな部分。つまり人に知られるのが恥ずかしい。
・満たされなくても、死にはしない。

てのがあるんじゃないかな。
看護婦が患者のオナニーを幇助するのは、すっごく難しいことだし、おそらく、無理だろう。
でも、一度その考えを俎上に乗せるべきだと思う。
でないと、「じゃあこうしよう」という案は出てこない。

こういった社会への要求は、当事者から出るのが一般的だ。
でも、それは難しい。

書いたように、プライベートな問題だから話題にしにくい、というのももちろんある。
でも、それと同時に、「障害者は弱い」という事実がある。

「障害者は弱い」というのは、一部分に限った話だ。
それは、動物として生存する力。単純に、身体的に彼らは不利だ。

小山内は、障害者の結婚について、その難しさを語っている。

なぜなら、障害者は夫婦げんかをしたときに、意地をはっていたくても、トイレに行きたくなければトイレ介助をしてもらわなければならない。障害をもった側が、「さっきはごめんなさい」と先にあやまらざるをえない辛さを、私が一番よく知っているからである。だから、まだ答えは出ない。

また、本書の後半は、車椅子使用者の男性との手紙のやりとりが載っている。その男性の手紙の中の言葉。

ストライキを起こしても、結局は負けてしまうのです。親の顔色を見るのは、まさしく障害があるからです。健常者ならば、親に捨てられても自分で働いて食べて行けます。家にいる限り、親に見放されたら生きて行けません。何も目標のない施設で、動物園の動物のようにただ餌だけを楽しみにいきていかなければなりません。その恐怖感で親に逆らえないのです。

こういった身体的な面で障害者は「弱み」を持っていて、同時にある部分では他人に頼らざるを得ないことに「負い目」を感じてしまう。
障害者が、世間に何かを要求するというのは、何よりも本人にとって力のいることなんだろう。

でも、そこでやっぱり、小山内は強い。

職員に股をタオルで拭いてもらう時に、小山内はちゃんと要求する。

「私はケアを教えるプロだ」
と自分にいい聞かせ、
「もっと強くこすってください」
という。これをいえるのには十年以上かかっただろうか。いえそうでなかなかいえないものである。

アパートを探しにいったとき、
「玄関にスロープをつけてもいいですか?」
と聞くと、アパートの美観が損なわれる、といわれた。なぜ階段が美しいものとされているのか。階段をつけた建築家は、自分が年をとり、その階段に上れない日がくることに気づかないのだろうか。自分の身のまわりのものを見渡してほしい。だれもが、ひとつや二つ、障害者のために作られたものを使っている、ということに気づくはずだ。けっして私たちは邪魔な存在ではない。わがままをたくさんいって生きていることが、私たちの仕事なのだ。

『私はケアを教えるプロだ』、『わがままをたくさんいって生きていることが、私たちの仕事なのだ。』。
これらの言葉を、当事者が言えるようになるまではすごく葛藤があったんじゃないかな、と僕は想像する。
小山内が経た経験はきっと僕の想像を越えるものがあったのは間違いないだろうけど。

まぁ、そんな強い人の言葉なわけだから、辛辣に思える箇所は少なくない。
特に、後半の手紙のやり取りの部分では、親元を離れることに不安を感じる車椅子使用者の男性に、きつい言葉をなげかける。
もちろんそれは本人も自覚していることだろう。

この前あなたに返事を書いた矢内真由美さんからは、「小山内美智子に近付くだけが自立ではない!T・Mさんらしい自立のやり方はあるはずだ」と怒りの手紙が来ています。私はとても弱い人間です。でも倒れそうになったとき友人、両親、恋人などあらゆる人をバネにして生きてきました。私はとてもラッキーな人間でした。

でも、そんな言葉だから、現状にあえぐ障害者たちを奮起させることができるんだろう。
太陽みたいな人だ。
太陽は、直視すれば目を痛めるし、近付けば皮膚も焦げる。でも、その熱さ、輝きに恋い焦がれ、救われる人も少なくないのだろう。

本当に強いな、というのを始めから最後まで実感させられる。
味方になれば心強くて、もし敵になったら恐ろしい。
そんな気にさせられる。
障害者、健常者に限らず、いろいろなことを諦めてしまいそうな気分の時の、いい気付けになる本。

と、ここまで書いて、やっぱり「障害者」ていうくくりは大き過ぎて曖昧だなぁ、と思う。
言葉が不十分、というより、障害者というワードを聞いた時に思い浮かべる僕たちのイメージが貧困すぎる気がする。
もっともっと、この話題に関しては意欲的に関連書籍を読んでいきたい。

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