私は障害者向けのデリヘル嬢

目をそむけたくなるキス

※過激な描写が多いのでお気をつけください。


数は多くないけれど、今まで読んできた「障害者の性」を扱った本の中で、一番インパクトがあったもの。
リアルに読んでいて顔をしかめてしまう箇所が少なくなかった。

その理由なんだけれども、今まで読んだ本は障害者の「セックスをするまでの困難さ」であったり、「性への欲求の扱いづらさ」について語られたものだった。
でもこれは、セックスはないにしろ、「障害者との性的行為」それ自体を、現場から伝えてくる。

いやー。
どぎつかった。
てか、この人は良くこれを途中で筆をおらずに書けたな、と脱帽。

なので、過激な内容が多いです。
そういうのが苦手な方はお控えください。

多分、著者の態度にイラつく人もいるだろう。
働いていたお店への愚痴だったり、自分への言い訳が多い。
自分に都合良く物事解釈して、人を批判してるんじゃないかな、て思わされる箇所も。
あとがきを読むと、ほとんど手を加えられることなく、原文を守って出版されたらしい。

読みたくもない女子の日記を読まされる、という感覚は、ある。
でも、そうやって濾過されなかったから、時には目を背けたくなるような生々しいものになったんだろう。

それに、自分本意の考え、てのは誰もが持つ可能性があるもので、それがそのまま出てるだけとも言える。
そういう意味でも、現場から生の声になっているんじゃないかな。

デリヘルってのは、店舗で性的サービスを提供するんじゃなくて、相手の自宅だったり、ホテルに行ってサービスを行うシステム。ちなみに本番、つまりセックスをすると「売春」になる。これは違法行為。

障害者向けの風俗店、という特殊な環境に入ったのはなんでだろう、と思っていたのだけれど、意外な理由だった。

正直なことをいえば、決意したのは、「障害者専用」という部分に別の意味で惹かれたからである。健常者であれば、無理矢理、力まかせにナマ(コンドームなどの避妊具なし)で本番されてしまう危険もある。それどころか、殺人にいたることもあるかもしれない。事実、デリヘル嬢がホテルで殺された事件は今までにもあった。
しかし、身体障害者であれば、程度の差はあれど、力づくで犯される可能性は薄くなるのではないか。万一、なにかあった場合でも逃げやすいのではないか、というあざとい計算からだった。

なるほどなぁ。
ちなみに、著者はこの仕事をやる前にも、風俗仕事は経験済み。
『車椅子で夜明けのコーヒー』でも書いたけど、障害者の身体的な弱さ、てのは色んな部分でネックになってくるんだね。

では、そんな著者が経験した実情。
もちろん、あくまで【1例】です。
障害者の定義は広く、それぞれの実情は大きく異なります。

「キスしてもいい?」
私は頷いた。しかし、唇を近づける一瞬、ためらう。歯が、汚れているのが見えた。歯磨きをおろそかにしているお客様は、風俗時代にも多かったし、身体が不自由だと、歯磨きを毎日丁寧にするのは難しいだろう。さっき服を脱ぐときも、腕を動かしづらそうだった。あの腕で、歯磨きをきちんとする、というのは酷だろうなあ。
歯並びもあまりよくなくて、汚れが詰まっているのが見える。触れば、ぬるっとしそうだ。でもそれは仕事。やっぱり嫌です、ともいえない。今までだって、もっとすごいところを舐めてきたじゃないか。私は、えいっと意を決してキスをした。

まず、性器を洗浄綿で拭く。
「デイサービスでお風呂に入っているから、軽くで大丈夫ですよ」
東田さんのそこは、まだ大きくなっている状態ではなかったので、亀頭の部分をそっと指で押し出し、皮を剥いて拭こうとした。その瞬間、「うっ」と私は声を詰まらせてしまったのだ。
多分本人も知らないだろうが、その部分には、垢が真っ白にこびりついていたのである。そこはもちろん誰でも一番汚れやすいところなのでしかたがない。風俗でも、剥いてボディーソープをつけて丁寧に洗うのが当然の場所なのである。
だけど、これは……。

(中略)

私は洗浄綿でごしごし拭いた。が、白い垢は取れているのか取れていないのか、消しゴムのカスのように性器にくっつくだけで、あまりきれいにならない。洗浄綿がこすれてカスのように出てきているのだろうか。判断がつかない。
「お風呂に入っているから、そんなにこすらなくても大丈夫だと思います」
東田さんがいう。さっきもいったでしょう、という感じで。
本人はきれいだと思っているのに、あまりごしごし拭かれたら、誰だってよい気分はしないだろう。

著者はフェラチオをする寸前に、口に溜めた唾を垂らして、しごくように見せながらカスを指で下のほうへ持っていく。

里美さんはオムツをしていた。別のお客様でも見たことがあったので、ためらいなくそれをはずした。
その後が強烈だった。確かに、ズボンを下ろしたときも微かににおいはあった。それは排泄をするものなのだから当然だ。だが、オムツを手に取って、びっくりした。オムツはぐっしょりと濡れており、大量の尿を吸収したのであろう、そのずっしりとした重さは驚くほどだった。
いつから交換していないのだろう。確か里美さんはひとり暮らしで、ヘルパーさんに来てもらっていると聞いた気がしたのだが、たとえば昨日の夜くらかいからつけっぱなしだったのだろうか。今、昼間だが、朝出かける前に換えてきたとは思えない重さだった。よく見ると、ズボンも濡れていた。

オムツをゴミ箱に捨てると、においが部屋に充満してしまう。オムツを捨て直そうと思うが、相手に申し訳なくてできない。

壮絶。
全体を通して読んでいると、さらに汚らしく思うシーンが多くて、やられる。

でも、この汚らしさが「現実」であって、これから目をそらすほうがよっぱど不健全なんじゃないか。
ただ、まぁ、きついもんはきつい。
著者は、スゴい。

この本のすごみは、その「リアル」ってとこにある。

多くのサービスの利用者が優しくて温和だ、と言っている。ただこうも続けている。

しかし、たまにとても傲慢な人もいた。誰もが「障害者だからって差別されたくない」と思っているのは理解できるし、当然だ。私が傲慢だなと感じるのは、その当然の感情が妙に助長されてしまい、都合のいい部分だけ「障害者なのだから、人より手厚く扱ってもらって当然。健常者と同じように扱われるのは不愉快。差別されているのだから、優遇しろ」といういい分を持っている人のことだ。その人たちは、「なめられたら終わりだ」というようなことを常にいっている。そして、健常者の人と同じ扱いをすると、それでは足りない、もっともっとと要求がエスカレートする。もっと特別扱いをしろという。それは、逆にまた差別をしていることになるんじゃないかと、ときどき不安に思う。

この文章を読んでちょっとムカムカした人。
そのムカムカを丁寧に解きほぐしてみて欲しい。

僕もこの文章を読んだ時、なかば反射的に「えー思いこみじゃないの」とちょっとムカムカして思った。
でも、すぐにそう思った自分に何だか違和感を覚えた。
この文章それ自体というより、これを読んであなたが抱いた感情が、とても重要になってくると僕は思う。

障害者にも、嫌な奴はいる。
嘘をつく人、自分勝手な人、暴力をふるってくる人。

それは、健常者と同じ地平の上で語られることだ。

僕たちはどこか、障害者を「いい人」であったり、「心がピュア」であったり、「辛い境遇の中頑張る偉い人」だと思っていないか?
それこそが差別なんじゃないか?

障害者と言えど、ただの人。
健常者と言えど、ただの人。

両者の間に無意識に作っていた溝を、浮き彫りにされた気分。

あと、寝たきりの人の自宅に向かった時に、母親と妹が「どうぞどうぞ」と応対してきたという話がある。
これって、家族側の葛藤と、家族にそれを頼まざるを得ない当事者側の葛藤があったと思う。
もちろん家族はこれから本人が受けるサービスを知っている。

これは、目指すべき1つの理想型なのかも知れない。
ただ、万人が目指せるものなのか、僕にはまだ分からない。

他人ができないことを手伝う。それは、お互い様だ。人が支え合うのは、当たり前のことだ。重いものを持てないときに、力がある人が持ってあげるのと、基本的には同じことだと思う。手が不自由な人に食べ物を口元まで運ぶのも、障害者の性の悩みに協力するのも。誰かに「協力する」ことは、誰にでもできるのではないだろうか。私は一度も、性生活の手伝いを”してあげている”と思ったことはない。私は、私ができる些細なことでお手伝いを”させてもらっている”だけなのだ。

これは、障害者の性って問題を解決する時の、大きな障害の1つだと思う。
『私ができる些細なことでお手伝いを”させてもらっている”だけなのだ。』と著者は書いている。
別に、この気持ちを疑っているわけでは全くない。
でも、給料が得られなかったら、著者はこの仕事をしていないだろう。
食えなきゃ、やっていけない。
それは、至極当然なことだ。

だから、障害者向けの性ビジネスが確立するのが、1つの解決策だと思う。
「障害者を食い物にしたサービス」という声も聞くんだけど、それはどのサービスにも言えるだろう。

相手がいなくて、溜まった性欲を発散したいなら、お金を払ってサービスを受ける。

健常者と、何も変わらない。

ただ、ここで問題になってくるのは、障害者向け性サービスは「儲からない」ということ。
僕も障害者向けの風俗を運営する人とメールしたことがあるけど、「儲からないから、他に仕事もしている。細々と常連の方にサービスを提供しているだけ」と言われた。

障害者の性が介護の文脈で語られる理由の1つに、「ビジネスとして成立しない」というのも、あるんじゃないかな。

誰にでも進められる本じゃないですが、現場の匂いを嗅いでみたい人は、ぜひ読んでみてください。

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