届かない悼み


悲しい。
ただただ悲しい。

岡崎京子の書評をしようしようと思ってなかなか手が伸びず、この新刊を買ったのを契機に書いてみる。

僕は決して岡崎京子世代ではない。
オザケンも、とんねるずも、スチャダラパーなんかも遠い昔の一歩手前にギリギリ立っている感覚。

だから僕が岡崎京子を知ったのは当然1996年の事故以来で、すでに出ている作品を読むだけ。
リバーズ・エッジから始まり、もうほとんどの岡崎作品は本棚に入っている。

正直、特別感動した作品がたくさんあるわけじゃない。
読み終わっても、「ふーん」という感覚が大半。
でも、古本屋に行けばまず”岡崎京子”の名前を探す。
そしてまだ手に取っていなかった作品を運良く手に入れたらすぐにレジへ。

なんでなんだろうなぁ。
まだ自分の中に解答は見つけられてないんだけど、なんだか求めちゃうんだよなぁ。
でもってそれは、”好き”てことなんだと思う。

なんだけど、最近既刊本の新装版をよく見かけるようになった。
『リバーズ・エッジ』しかり、『Pink』しかり。

ひとりのファンとして嬉しいと同時に、何だか物悲しかった。

事故を経て、岡崎京子は生きながらえたものの、作家としての生命は絶たれた。
きっとこの先も、作家岡崎京子が生き返ることはないだろう。

彼女の描いた世界は、今やとっくに”過去”のものなのだ。
世界は残酷なまでに進歩している。

僕は彼女の作品に、バカで、刹那的で、苦しんでいて、でもそれ以外に生き方を知らない少女たちを見守る岡崎のいじらしい目線と、過去に置き去りにされた世界という物悲しさの2つを感じている。
荒廃した空気の中でもがく少年と少女たちは、今僕たちに、そんなもがきも社会の成長のなかで薄く、小さくなり知らない間に消えていったことを実感させる。

それが、悲しい。

今になっても、岡崎の作品が外見を変え世に出されるのは、彼女の描く世界が、時代を越えた普遍性を持っている、どの時代の若者も岡崎の作品を求めている、とも言えるだろう。
それは、僕も賛成。
でもやっぱり、彼女が描いた世界は、スマートフォンを持つのが普通になり、Youtubeを大学の講義で使い、エコの意識なんてものをみんなが持って、道は舗装され、街はこぎれいになっていき、都心では超高層ビルが当然のような顔をして立ちそびえる今、痛いくらいに過去のものだ。
だから、いまだ出される作品たちが、何とか”今”ってものにしがみつこうとしてるように見えて、とても悲しい。
そして”今”に追いつくことは、もう決してできない

そしてこの、『森』。
本屋で偶然見かけた時は驚いた。まだ出るのか、と。

未完作の「森」と、いくつかの過去の短編。

岡崎の新境地の香りを放つ「森」。
とってもきれいで、これが絶品になることは間違いない。間違いなかった。
でもそれはもう叶わない。

他の短編も、多くは上に書いたような感慨を抱くばかり。
ちょっとはずしたギャグも、20年以上という月日は、無惨に風化させる。

一番悲しかったのは、巻末の美術批評家の書評。
いや、書評自体はいいんだ、特別気になったわけではないけど、そういう見方もあるよね、とは思う。

ただ、そもそもこの作品を批評するという行為が、むなしさを大きくさせるようにしか、もう僕には見えない。

空気をつかもうとするような、徒労。
10年以上前の作品を必死に今と照らして批評しても、作家岡崎はもう現れないし、むしろその”不在”を強調しているようにしか見えない。
目の前に、老いた本人がいるわけでもない。
必死に”今”に”当時”の岡崎の幻影をもってきて、論じている感覚。
でもね、もういないんだよ。
その幻影を僕は見ることができない。

僕が岡崎京子の作品に見ていた過去という”スパイス”が、とうとう”毒”になってしまった感触。

あぁ、岡崎はもういないんだな。
分かっていたけれど、もう”終わって”いるんだな。

そういった感覚を改めて思わされた。
僕に消えないインクで終止符を打った本。

始まり、というか、始まりの予感を見せて終わってしまう『森』

作家としての岡崎京子の死は、すでにわかっていたこと。
だからこの本から感じる悲しみも、どこか色あせている。

弾力のない、やるせない切なさ。
悲しいという事実が、悲しい。

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