できればムカつかずに生きたい

できればムカつかずに生きたい

玄関を開けてくれる本。

悲しみは私を壊さない。悲しみは憎しみを祈りに変える。


僕の姿勢と似ている。
いや、僕の目指している姿勢と似ている。

ブラブラと図書館の本棚を眺めていたらこの本が目に入って、「あぁこんなのあったな」と題は知っていたので借りました。田口さんのことすら知らなかった。
内容も、若者が一般的な社会ってものに背を向けて、鬱屈したメッセージをつづるような本だと思った。
が、むしろベクトルは真逆。
田口さんのエッセイ集なんですが、どれもが端正で、素敵。

いくら動じたっていいんだ。落ち込んだっていいんだ。びろーーんって自分に戻って来れば。考えたらこれって、子供たちが日常的にやってる事だ。嫌なことがあっても、立ち直って自分に戻る。ただ、その戻る時間が早いか遅いかだ。自分に戻るのに10分しかかからない人もいれば10年かかる人もいる。

大人になって人のお役に立とうと立つまいと、それは個人の趣味の問題。とりあえず人は、生まれてきたってことだけで十分お役に立っているのだから、好き勝手に生きていいのである。
いやあ、まったく人間ってのは大したもんだ。
子供の育て方うんぬんと言うのもおこがましく感じて恥ずかしい。こっちが育ててもらってるようなもんである。

また、家族のために奔走するもうまくいかない自分を語る言葉が、実にシャープ。

たぶん私は自分が「ガンバル」ことを通して親にアピールしていたんだと思う。「私はこんなにいい子なんだから私を見て私をほめて」。それなのに、一向に私を認めようとしない親に腹を立てていた。私が親の愚痴を聞いたり家族のあいだに入って家族をまとめようとしてきた事は、本当は家族のためではなかった。

〜中略〜

私は自分だけが社会的に自立していてまともだと信じていたので、心のどこかで未熟な家族を馬鹿にしていたように思う。「ほら、私がいなくちゃダメじゃない」。私に面倒を見させるように仕向けておきながら、家族のダメさをけなし、そしてそのあまりのダメさに苛立ち絶望するという、不可思議なスパイラル状態に入っていたように感じる。
ダメな家族を支配し、そして家族のダメさを自分の支えにして自分を正当化していた。

田口さんの言葉の何が素敵って、いろんな物事を熟考して、分析して、誠実に語られているところ。そして、それの言葉は、物事の正当性なんかではなくて、田口さんの個人的な気持ちという土台にしっかり乗っているところ。
だから、言葉に手の届かない壁も、また逆に、薄っぺらい透明さも感じない。
全部の言葉に、田口ランディという個人の影が気持ちよく映っている。

田口さんは、達観して何事にも動じない、という人はチャーミングじゃない、と語る。
怒ったり、泣いたりして、でも自分のセンターにごろんとすぐ戻れる人が素敵だ、と。
そして、夢に少年が出てくるのだけれど、彼の言葉がとても印象的だ。

「やって来るものを受け止めながら手放していけばいいんだよ。どんなものでも自分にやって来るものはプレゼントだ。受け止めて手放せばいい。そうしていくと、受け止めた衝撃で流れが起こって自然にあるべき方に流れていく。自分でありながら、でも流されろ。自分の外から来るものは、全部、プレゼントだ」

自分でありながら、流される。
中庸であり、1つの何かにこだわらない。
これ、目指してるんですが、なかなか難しいんですよね。
でも、すごく素敵な生き方。実践したい。

この本で一番印象に残っているエピソードがある。
著者は、サイコドラマという心理療法の合宿に参加する。
サイトドラマとは、まず主役を決め、その主役が抱えているものをテーマに、配役を決め即興dドラマを演じていく。台本は、ない。
そしてある日、23歳の女子大生が主役になり、

「あたしはこの日を待っていました。家族を殺したい、家族を皆殺しにするドラマを演じたいんです」

と言う。
祖母と母親、両者にお互いの悪口を延々と子供時代から聞かされ、父親や弟も厄介ごとを全て彼女に押し付けて来た。そんな家族に復讐したいと言う。

そして、劇が始まる。
彼女を演じるのは、彼女自身。
家族を演じる配役たちが、次々と朝食に盛られた毒で、死んでいく。

「もっと苦しめ、もっと苦しめ、あたしの苦しみはこんなもんじゃないんだ、思い知れ」

断末魔をあげ、家族の全員が、死ぬ。
しかし彼女は、その場で泣き出す。

「違うよ、違うよ、こんなんじゃない、こんなんじゃない、こんなんじゃない、あたしがしたかったのはこんあんじゃあないんだあ」

泣き叫び、彼女は嗚咽だけを残して床に体を丸める。

すると、家族の1人が起き上がる。
そして、次々と家族全員が起き上がり、彼女を中心に丸く抱き合う。大きな繭のように。
もちろん、これは即興の演技だ。

「ねえ、もう一度、生まれておいでよ。もう一度生まれておいでよ、みんなあなたを待っている。みんなあなたを大切に思っている。みんなあなたが大好きだから、もう一度安心して生まれておいでよ」
家族が口々に語りかける。
彼女がまた声をあげて泣き出す。
家族たちはいとおしそうに彼女の体をさすっていた。
長いことさすっていた。そうして繭がほどかれたとき、彼女は家族に見守られて、新生児のように眠っていた。
目を閉じている彼女にディレクターが話しかけた。
「いま、どんな気分?」
「すごく安心した気分」
「いま、なにがしたい?」
すると彼女は言った。
「蝶になって飛びたい」
蝶になりたい。確かに彼女はそう言ったのだ。

この、蝶になって飛びたい、という言葉が、ぶすっと僕の心に刺さった。
なんというか、すごく美しいと思った。
その言葉だけでなく、その情景が。
蝶になりたい。これは、彼女の心の美しさだけが呼び起こした言葉ではないと思う。
全ての人間が、蝶になりたいと思えるだけの花野を心に持っているんじゃないかな、と思わされた。

もっともっと引用したい箇所があるのだけれど、引用ばかりになるのもあれなので、割愛。

最後にこれだけ。

私は「わからない」を生きてやる。永遠の「わからなさ」を抱えて生きてやる。
もし「わかって」しまったら、私は閉じてしまうから。
「わからなさ」を生きている時、私は人と対立しない。開かれている。
矛盾を抱えている時、私は人と対立しない。開かれている。
矛盾を抱えているとき、私は他人を排除しない、攻撃しない。
「わからなさ」は苦しい。
でも「わからない」限り、私は知ろうとする。知るということは自分の思考に異物を取り込むことだ。それは苦しい。でもたとえ苦しくとも「わからなさ」は私の怒りや憎しみを少し緩和してくれる。
「わからない」とき、私は求めている、他者を。
「わかった」と何かを強く確信した時、私は「わかっていない」他者をたたきつぶすかもしれない。
そういう自分がとても怖い。

「分からない」を生きるのって、辛い。
だって、「わからない」を生きるのと、「わかろうとする」のを放棄して生きる、てのは別物だ。絶対的な答えなんて出ない、揺らめく暫定的な答えしか出ない。それをわかった上で、わかろうとし続ける。
とっても根気がいるし、終わりはない。
でも、だからこそ、少しでも「わかった」時の喜びって極上なんだと思う。
「わからない」は終わりじゃなくて、始まりだ。

丁寧に、より添ってくれる本です。
でも、より添うだけじゃなくて、顔もあげさせてくれる。
玄関を開けてくれる本だ。
自分の中での葛藤や、悩みや、モヤモヤ。それらは暗い照明のない部屋に押込められている。自分でも、それに気づいていない、もしくは、気づいていない振りをしていることも。

でも、田口さんは、ちゃんとこの家までの道を知っていて、玄関を開けてくれる。
土足で入ってくるようなことはしない。
ただ玄関を開け、明るい日の光と、爽やかな風を入れる。
「辛いよね。苦しいよね。でも、そのままそこにいたら腐っちゃうよ。私も一緒に行くから、ちょっと歩いてみようよ」
なんて語りかけてくる。
そんなイメージを抱きました。

優しいし、誠実で、男前。

姉御、参りました。

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