愛の生活

愛してるの。お願い。

ただ 空を見上げ
二人の視線が
同じ星に
吸い込まれればいいと思う。


僕は、どうして岡崎京子の作品を好き好んで読むのか、よくわからない。
本棚にならぶマンガで一番多いのは、岡崎京子。
でも、こう、だい好きだ!と主張する気にはならない。

でも、古本屋に行ってまず探すのは岡崎の本。
ブックオフなんかだと、1冊はあると思います。

でもだからって特に感銘を受けるというよりは、「ふんふん」と読んで、終わることが多い。
んーなんでだろう。

ていう考察は後々機会があればするとして、この「愛の生活」も最近見つけて読んだもの。

岡崎京子の著作としては、狂気がちょうどよく丸くなって、飲み込みやすくなっています。
でも、それは牙が抜けた、という意味じゃなくて、何だかむしろじんわりと、その狂気と、狂った切なさ、みたいなものが染み込んできた。
他の作品とは、少し毛色が違う。

で、それが僕には大好物でした。

兄を好きになってしまった妹。

その一言でこの物語を集約できてしまう人もいると思う。
ただ僕は、その狂気がより小さくなって、いくらかの現実味を帯びたことで、他人事じゃない感覚を覚えた。
それは、同じことが自分にも起こるかも、みたいなものではなくて、彼女に感じた強烈ないとおしさ。

どうしようもなく恋しくて、切なくて、自分を消したくて、消したくなくて、絶望する。
そんな彼女がいとおしい。
中心的な脇役を担ってる三ちゃんもね。

1人の少女の狂気や絶望や諦観、てのは岡崎の作品の定番みたいなとこもあるけれど、この作品では特に、その不器用さがいじらしかった。

この作品のタイトルは「愛の生活」とありますが、正確には「愛したいけれど愛せない人達の生活」、あるいは「愛されたいけれど愛されない人達の生活」、とするべきだったでしょう。何故ならここには誰1人としてきちんと他人を愛する人間が出てこないのですから。

この巻末の岡崎の言葉は、まさに、という感じ。
だからこそ、この作品の登場人物たちが、いとおしい。

いとおしい、と言うと、これは対象との近さを物語る表現ではあるけれど、同時に、対象との絶対的な距離も表すな、とふと思った。
僕は彼らが、彼女たちがいとおしい。
でも、同じところに、彼らの横に立ちたいとは微塵も思わない。
見つめているだけで十分だし、それ以上踏み込みたくはない。

読者と作品、という埋められない溝に安心しながら、僕は彼女たちをいじらしく思う。

触れられない彼女を、絶望に混じる希望のような光を、とてもいとおしく思う。

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