ベロニカは死ぬことにした

愛してほしいと、声に出して言えたなら。

また生きたいって思い始めてるのよ、エドアード。勇気がなくて犯せなかった過ちを、犯してみたいのよ、またやってくるかもしれないパニックに立ち向かいながら。


ベロニカは24歳で体験できうることは全て体験してきたと確信していました。
若く、仕事にも恵まれ、自分を愛する家族もいる。
彼女に不自由はありませんでした。
しかし彼女は自分の死を求めて薬を飲みます。
積極的に、自らの死を求めて。

愛のない人生より、愛のある人生のほうが幸せでしょうか。

愛や強い情動って、結構辛いものですよね。
好きになるから、ふられて、傷つく。愛したあの人がいないと、生きていけなくなる。
親が自分を十分に愛してくれてる。本当に自分のためを想って、動いてくれている。
だからこそ、その愛は自分に深く染み込んで来て、それから抜け出せない。

愛したい。愛されたい。
愛せない。愛されない。

夢を持つのは辛いです。

夢を持つから、それは叶いません。
求めるものがあるから、”手に入れられない”という苦しみに気持ちが潰されそうになります。
目的地がなければ、迷子になんてならないのと同じように。

自分の欲求が膨れ上がらないように抑え、”普通”に生活していく。
それは、1つの防御策だし、少なからず僕たちがしていることでしょう。

24歳のベロニカは、死を選びます。
仕事もあり、家族にも愛されていて、24歳までに体験できることは全て体験したと確信していました。
彼女は不自由していませんでした。でも、満足はしていませんでした。
このまま老いて、醜くなり、無味無臭な生活を送るんだったら、まぁ、死んでみるか、といった調子で薬を飲みます。

しかし彼女は一命を取りとめ、目をさますと精神異常者とされる狂人たちが入院している病院でした。
狂人たちの病院。そこに喧噪はありません。
静かな無秩序。周りの人間は、どこまでいっても隣人でしかない。
”普通”にはじきだされた狂人たちが、自分の好きなように、静寂な日々を送っています。

傷つかないように、愛に身を切られないように、人は自分に普通というラベルを貼ります。
普通からはずれると、異常とみなされ、周りから、また自分の中からプレッシャーが生まれます。

そんな重みから逃れ、自分の思うままに生きる狂人。
彼らはとても自由に見えます。

でも、本当にそうでしょうか。

狂人とは、普通に対する”非”普通という相対的なものでした。
彼らは、狂人である、というより、普通ではない人たちだったのです。

しかし、一カ所に集められ、ゆるやかに統制されながら生きる彼らにも、狂人というラベルが生まれていました。
普通じゃない、というくくりではなく、狂人という名刺を手に入れました。
普通から追い出された彼らは、狂人という居場所を見つけます。

狂人からはずれる人は、”狂っている”のです。

ベロニカは狂人たちの空間で、今ままでの自分が送っていた”普通”を考え直します。
狂人とされていた入院患者もまた、ベロニカによって”狂人”を考え直します。

生きる、ということ。
生きたい、と思うこと。

この2つには細く、でもはっきりとした線が引かれているように思います。

何かを求めて、生きたい、と強く思うこと。
それは、茨の茂みに分け入ることかも知れません。身を切り血を流すばかりかも知れません。

求めなければ、傷つかない。
愛を求めなければ、愛を失わない。

それは、1つの事実だと思います。

でも、同時に思うのは、僕たちは、傷つくから求め、愛されないから愛するのかも知れない、ということ。

素の自分で生きるのがいいよ、とよく言われるけれど、それは同時に何にも守られていない自分をさらけ出すということ。
鎧を脱いだ分、傷つくことも増えるでしょう。

でも、傷ついたら癒せばいい。
辛くなったら、鎧を着ればいい。

愛に作法はないと思っています。
鎧を着ていようが、生身でいようが、傷ついていようが、愛は愛です。

僕自身、情熱の炎に身をまかせるような人間ではないので、「夢に向かって走れよ!なりふり構うな!」なんてことは言えません。

でも、これだけは言っておきたいのは、失敗したっていいし、挫けたっていいということ。
傷ついたら、立ち止まって、休んで、またゆっくり歩き出せばい。
また求めて、また愛せばいい。

そうやって歩いていけば、自分に不必要なラベルは勝手に剥がれていくんじゃないでしょうか。

僕にとっても、まだまだ理想の形です。
のんびり、まずは、自分を愛していきたいなぁと、思っています。

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